love is a dangerous angel

moving on

2007-03-25T03:56:11Z

"kristina" was the name my parents gave me instead of helena or elizabeth.
"krissy" was what i referred to myself as instead of "kristy," which my mother tried to call me.
"kiki" was what my brother said decided on when his baby-tongue couldn't pronounce "krissy"
"kristopolis" is what i called myself, when i was fifeteen years old & decided to be a pirate.

i can't do the cool link thing that i should probably be able to after six years on livejournal, but my new account is "kristopolis". add me so we can stay friends. chances are, i love you.

peace.

kiki703 @ 2007-03-20T16:57:00

2007-03-20T20:57:57Z

today i am eighteen years & seven months old & i'm not sure who i am anymore.

diy haircut

2007-03-16T21:59:47Z

kiki703 @ 2007-03-13T17:45:00

2007-03-13T22:13:23Z

today has been sunlight, bare feet, flowers, a boy playing a bongo drum, horses with their old wise eyes & big teeth & beautiful legs, climbing in the kissing tree, mud squishing up between toes, & smiles.

sometimes, on days when toby & i careen about campus & play in barns & climb trees & it's sunny & warm & there are birds singing, some days i am really very happy to go to uconn.

it's wonderfully, blessedly, stunningly beautiful outside. our sun-deprived bodies were melting in the air, & toby & i were both practically vibrating with happiness. we ate apples as we walked around the fields. we blew into the noses of horses so they would know us, & watched with abject adoration on our faces as girls exercises polo ponies. we discovered the kissing tree & passed the boy playing bongos [i gave toby a dollar to put in his jar & he said "god bless you girls!]. we went to the co-op & i bought a bathing suit & toby bought flowers. we went past the boys playing the bongo & toby put more money in his jar, & we sat in the sun & took off our shoes & ate stawberry fruit snacks & goldfish crackers. jon asked our names & told us his. his friend was named don, which we thought was funny. jon told us that the people at uconn need a revolution, to be more friendly & happy & have more fun- but not the drinking kind of fun. toby & i were buzzed on sun light. i went to class with no shoes & put a flower in jon's jar. when i was walking home from arjona, an old man with a big beard said "i love those bare feet! that's the way to go!" & i thanked him. now i have a midterm to study for, but i'm too happy to concentrate on anything serious, like cicero's pro caelio speech or different exempla from livy. spring fever? perhaps. but, oh, i'm happy happy happy.

on my eighteenth & a half birthday

2007-02-20T22:48:58Z

today i woke up & it was warm outside ["warm" = "thirty-nine degrees fahrenheit" instead of the "seventeen" the temperature has been hovering around]. i walked to the dining hall with toby in only a sweatshirt! i ate some hash & lucky charms for breakfast. then i went to class, taking the very long way & happily skipping over puddles & singing along with my ipod & generally looking like a fool.

after class [contemporary germany] toby & i heated up pizza for lunch & ate it. i did some laundry, took a shower, curled & pinned up my hair, put on hot pink fishnets & garters & went to my next class. my professor poked fun at me for listening to music so loud. i really like her, her name is martina & she is from hamburg. we all spoke in german for an hour about the differences between hauptschule, realschule, & gymnasium & then i went to the no-sweat-fashion-show tryouts. i had to walk up & down the stage & hold a number & smile. will i become the next twiggy, fashion icon of a generation? only time will tell!

after that i wondered around to the comic book store & bought a really slink morpheus candle, a batman chose your own adventure book & a batman comic. i am so excited. i have like, over a hundred pages of reading to do for sci-fi & roman civ combined but i think instead of cicero, i am going to read BATMAN. cos i'm awesome like that. & it's my half-birthday, fools!

so that is my day so far. mostly now i think i will be reading & giggling manically to myself as i decide batman's fate. awesome.

kiki703 @ 2007-01-17T21:55:00

2007-01-18T02:55:21Z

everyone has a story to tell.

music that makes life worth living

2007-01-14T06:52:35Z

first there was kevin devine & then there was, as ever, the dresden dolls, but i will start in the beginning- but, oh, right now i am so fucking exhausted [& exhilerated! & happy] that i am giving new meaning to the term "running on empty"

so let me say- rew drove us all the way to boston today, to see the onion cellar [the show by amanda palmer] & i don't have words to describe the love, the passion, the work & the feeling that must have went into that production.

amanda was flawless, perfect because of her imperfections & not in spite of them. she's my hero & i hero-worship her, but she makes me believe i can be whatever i want, change the world, be myself. brian gave a beautiful drum solo- the kind where you could see the sweat flicking off of his shoulders & his hair, which was braided back, eventually whipping across his face in a frenzy of motion. it was so raw, & intense, & real.

it was beautiful & i'd like to describe it more, not to mention give justice to the beautiful sloe-eyed singer that is kevin devine but oh! i'm silly with sleepiness. it will have to wait.

but, oh, god, to feel, like that. to love & feel & not be afraid of feeling & loving! beautiful, beautiful.

kiki703 @ 2007-01-07T23:15:00

2007-01-08T04:22:58Z

entering this new year broke, jobless, boyfriendless, directionless. bored & restless. it's gonna be fucking awesome! hey, i've got nothing to lose, right?

no smudged eyeliner & no waist-length pink & punk hair, but i'm still me, my eyes are still blue. i'm finding a new me, a more grown up me, a me that won't break so much or so easily.

[i still have chipped red nail varnish]

i want to go back to school. i feel rested & refreshed & ready to try again. maybe i can make it work this time, for real. everything- or at least something. school work or relationships or myself. something will work. maybe everything.

i'm ready to let it all go.

ready?

set.

go.

kiki703 @ 2006-12-25T16:11:00

2006-12-25T21:12:01Z

merry fucking christmas!

kiki703 @ 2006-12-05T00:30:00

2006-12-05T05:30:02Z

i was cranky last night; it's finally cold like it's supposed to be in december [no more sitting outside in the sun & eating ice cream for tobys & krissys]. we have to bundle up up up to go outside & i feel like a penguin, waddling around campus. i wish it would snow, it would provide visual, i'm not sure what, but then i could see the cold, & besides, snow is so pretty & it's been so long.

i remember one winter? two winters? ago, when it was so so so cold [it must have been when i was sixteen because everything was frozen & cold then, the buses for school wouldn't even start one day]& the housatonic was just ice for what seemed like the longest time- & everything was just white & ice & snow & i was so sick & tired of being cold. & then one day, right in the middle of the river, there was just a tiny, teensy streak of running water in the center of all that ice & i almost cried, i was so happy. just to see that there was life, again, that it was coming back. when it rained i tucked myself into bed & just listened to it, the sounds of the rain, because it was so sweet & it had been so long since i had heard anything but the silent fall of snow.

but now it's the other way- i've heard the rain, the leaves are gone, it's cold, i don't have any boots but i have new gloves & so: snow!

today i actually felt like myself in a pleasant way. i failed an astronomy lab final & i ran to eat lunch & then to another final which ended up being making a monument out of clay. so i had clay dust on my sweatshirt & in my fingernails & in the creases of my palms & it felt like old times. i made holiday cards for political prisoners. i carried the extra clay back to the room & stopped at an art exhibit & got red paint all over my hand touching the piece that directed me to lay hands on it. i felt smudged & creative, having just made a sculpture & cards, carting clay back to the room.

toby & i actually had friends today; we went out to eat with them & they bought us dinner. we all came back to our room & made clay things [a little snowman & a little fat man & a big scary man who is mostly chin who is now inhabiting toby's lederhosen] & i was happy. people! new people! in our room! talking & laughing & having fun! how exciting :)

then we had to go an observing session on the ROOF in the DARK & COLD. there were so many people there...but we were still freezing. sean called when i was on the roof & when i told him where i was & how much we were freezing he walked all the way from towers, to the library, back to the physics building to bring toby & i hot chocolate & doughnuts. for those of you who are not comfortable with the geography of uconn, that is a very, very long walk. he is totally getting sexual favors for that hot chocolate run :p

okay, so this entry is long & rambling & toby has just shut off the lights, so i think it's time for bed :) peace.

all these things i'm not

2006-12-01T04:08:56Z

i am not a whore.
i am not your comfort object.
i am not your weekend fling.
i am not an abstract concept.
i am not tits, thighs, or ass.
i am not your one-way ticket to happiness.
i am not high art.
i am not the way to get back at your ex.
i am not your stability.
i am not your good time.
i am not your rebound.
i am not the meaning in your life.
i am not your reason.
i am not your ideal

[are the things i am afraid of becoming]

i am a girl. my name is krissy. i have thoughts, & i have feelings, & i have doubts, & i have fears.

see this? this is me; going in circles again & again & again banging my head against the fucking wall.

kiki703 @ 2006-11-29T15:09:00

2006-11-29T20:09:59Z

everyone needs to take this quiz, if simply for the deliciously deviant advice it offers you afterwards. & i want to see the results posted, damn it! thank you to herr wunderkind :)

& i am not a sex-crazed maniac. i know i come off that way, sometimes, but c'mon. last night, sean came over. we read comic books. & cuddled. also, he brought me cookies on sunday. this boy is worming his way into my heart. or maybe it's just my stomach ;)

kiki703 @ 2006-11-26T19:53:00

2006-11-27T00:53:26Z

so i'm back here in storrs, again, feeling different & the same, as never, as ever. i have a bruise on my stomach, & a purple finger-print bruises on my arm & shoulder. i passed my driver's test, & i look elated & surprised in my photo. i'm listening to the new kevin devine cd on new speakers in my dorm room that feels too small for even me, now, & toby isn't even here yet. i have so much work to do, but i was so happy because i checked my messages & sean had left one that made me smile. i was so happy to see everyone- all of you, you know you, you know i love you. i'm just- back, here, in this empty room, & i was with everyone, & i'm sleepy, but i'm happy. in spite of everything, because of everything, i'm happy.

...i can't believe i fucking passed my driver's test.

bring me that horizon

2006-10-21T23:08:00Z

so, um, yeah, i was so bored this morning that i decided to dress like a pirate & wander around campus. there was lots of honking- let's hope that's cos i'm a sexy pirate wench, rather than thinly veiled death threats of the automotive variety. anyway, i'm excited cos i FOUND things. i found a COMIC/USED BOOK store with amazing cheap books & comics, i almost cried with sheer joy, you have no idea. i found the promotional first edition of the absolute sandman & a really wonderful old falling apart copy of the picture of dorian gray- for five freaking dollars. that is a price even a starving college student can afford! i also found a place to get hair cuts, a subway, a place to rent movies, a flower my boutique, & a tattoo/piercing parlor. i went into the piercing parlor to ask about getting my lobes pierced [twenty five bucks]. there were four pierced/tattooed guys in the store, very friendly chaps. this is what happened:

me: so, do i have to get my ears pierced with a stud?
verkaufer: no, of course not
me: good, cos i don't like studs.
verkaufer: well then you're in the wrong place, because there are four studs right here!
all four guys: laugh
me: laughs i can't believe you just said that...

i also got a ticket for build-a-bear tonight [for free, yay, since i've got a whole ten dollars left of monies] & emina & i are going to a lip-synching contest that is supposed to be fun/nny...

i miss toby, & rew, & everyone. i was sorta lonely last night but it was okay cos i made this big thing for my wall that took like two hours. & i didn't even start on the collage i want to make yet...

oh, & by the way, if you were a laser, you'd be set to stunning ;)

Human Rights

2006-10-11T16:47:53Z

"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" -Ernest Gaines

We would like to know who really believes in gay rights on LiveJournal. There is no bribe of a miracle or anything like that. If you truly believe in gay rights, then repost this and title the post as "Gay Rights". If you don't believe in gay rights, then just ignore this. Thanks.

puppets

2006-10-09T00:28:39Z

...did anyone else know we had a puppetry museum on campus?
http://www.bimp.uconn.edu/

i'm an addict for dramatics (i confuse the two for love)

2006-10-02T20:19:44Z

today is beautiful & brilliant & bright outside

today, my ta showed up to lab without the baseball cap or the beard & his face is beautiful, beautiful

today, i saw my friend evie & ate pumpkin ice cream & slipped a condom into her pocket, just in case ;)

today i wore black & purple striped socks & red argyle shoes & green eyeliner & shiny violent violet nail varnish. it's smudged because i hugged toby before it dried

today i felt like alice-in-wonderland because the wind kept blowing & it felt like it was tugging me & nothing matched & i felt like a vagabond wondering wanderer, the wind pushing & pulling at my skirt

today, i have a research paper to write on the french revolution

i still hurt inside. i used to write darren on my wrist, under my bracelets, a secret mark that i hoped would seep through my skin & into my blood so he could be there, too. he's not there anymore & sometimes i reach out & then remember & i feel so fucking empty. my blood is my own now; & i guess that's the way i wanted it. i made it this way.

i went home this weekend, just for one night, less than twenty-four hours because i worked at a wedding. i needed the money in the worst way. but i went in my room- my bright, sunny room with the hard wood floor & the blue walls [three] & the purple wall [one]& my mom had cleaned it, put everything away, & it was so cold in there. i mean, my room's always cold, because i can't turn the heat on without lighting my bed on fire, but it felt so empty & unlived in. it didn't smell like it usually does- like me, my soap & my hair & my skin. it smelled like the autumn candle i had on the bookshelf. i usually have crayons out, on the floor, half written journal entries lying around, books laid face down & open, half a dozen, like butterflies. mess. i am a mess. i am barely held together by the seams at this point, people.

anyway, it was empty & cold & i threw clothes on the floor & it was better.

on friday, i got my palm read by an old man with an english-looking hat on. he said what, do you want love or don't you? want love or don't you?, his aging fingers on my palm, & i said yes, & until that moment i hadn't been sure if i did, want love, anymore. & then he looked me in the eye & said miss, you need to know what you want to ask. you know what you want, you ask, you'll get it..

so. i guess the question is, what do i want?

kiki703 @ 2006-08-29T22:32:00

2006-08-30T02:32:51Z

college rocks.

"toby & krissy's room rules!

one no sex!
two respect your roomate!
three respect the beattie
four when in doubt, call beattie ###-###-####
five no eating in sally or enkidu CRUMBS=BAD
six be considerate!
seven underwear must be worn at all times!
eight show your roomate love <3
nine cleanliness is next to godliness
(therefore strive to be filthy)
ten love yourself, your roomate, & beattie"

in another town, they're painting my mood

2006-08-25T06:02:06Z

it's august twenty-fifth now, which means a number of things.

i've been eighteen for five days. it's tim burton's birthday. it's toby's seventeenth-&-ten-month-birthday. i'm leaving, today. number of hours. it shouldn't mean so much [or maybe it should mean everything] but it does. everything & nothing.

he wrote me a letter, signing it "live your dreams, dangerous angel, and good-bye" which is a beautiful & elegant way to say good-bye. i'm not sorry for anything between us.

i used to be someone, once. i was a fairy tale. i danced all the time. i was so in love. i thought that was all i wanted. but then- then what? all my magic faded? did i grow up in the end, like i swore not to? did i break my promises?

i said a lot of good-byes today, & tried not to cry. it's not good bye, it's see you later. hale standing in the line at the airport, tears streaming down our faces. i am sixteen she is seventeen we are saying goodbye & i'm breaking inside. auf wiedersehen. until we meet again.

the first time toby said goodbye to kinders i went to her house a day later or so & she just looked so small, so fragile & delicate & about to break, her eyes all redrimmed & naked looking, her pain right out there on her face & fingers. i wanted to hold her so tightly, to make sure nothing ever made her feel that way ever, but i knew whatever i said or did didn't matter because it wasn't me she was missing. i was carrying my own pain then but i was more used to it. not that you ever get used to it. i'm carrying my own pain now & i'm not sure it's the kind i'll ever get used to.

o, kristopolis, how melodramtic! you always did have a flair for drama. you don't make gestures, you make grand gestured. you're never satified till you're sparkling.

god damn it, i'm beautiful. i still have my magic. i refuse to give up dancing. i will live my dreams. i'll find them & i'll live them & i'll be a fairy tale again. i'll find my revolution.

tchüs, meine lieblings.

kiki703 @ 2006-08-24T21:32:00

2006-08-25T01:32:50Z

i'm going to college in twelve hours.

what the fuck!

good bye blue mondays!

2006-08-23T02:32:36Z

so now i'm eightteen.

i've been having an amazing last couple of days. on friday i saw SNAKES ON A PLANE, the best worst movie of my life. we were all shouting at the screen the whole time, everyone cheering & giving encouragement to samuel l. i am defintely afraid of snakes now. & planes. that night we went to mark's & then taco bell & then david's house & finally, at about two thirty in the morning, home.

the next day, i cleaned & cleaned & cleaned & the lovely sarah drove me all over buying food & balloons & candy & decorations. then i decorated the house & hung a snake on the door. & then the girls, kelsey & becky & sarah & rew & toby came over. we were running around in only our bras [shirtless party!] when the doorbell rang [at eleven thirty!] & who came in but max, mark, & bryce! we all shrieked & ran around getting our clothes back on. the boys were much amused.

in the night i was upset & i cried & shook but toby was there, as ever, to hold me until i was myself again.

thank you, toby. i love you more than i can possible say [without sounding creepy :p].

on sunday was my birthday party, which was full of AMAZING GOODNESS. just about everyone i love came over. hale called TWICE & i got WONDERFUL PRESENTS [seriously wonderful presents. i am such a spoiled brat. my friends love me far too much]. but the best part was defintely the cake. let me tell you the tale of this wonderful cake.

it was chocolate. we all made it together, a group effort. it was FOUR layers of chocolatey goodness. we dyed the vanilla frosting yellow & purple. the yellow went inbetween the layers. the outside was slathered in purple. on the top, skyler made BATMAN.

yes, i had an AMAZING FOUR LAYERED CHOCOLATE PURPLE & YELLOW BATMAN BIRTHDAY CAKE.

also there were bubbles. it was a good party.

& then! yesterday i went to brighton beach [little russia by the sea, in brooklyn]with everyone & we threw potatoes & went on trains & subways & held hands & colored pictures & were young & alive & it's been amazing. max is gone & i miss him so much but just, wow. i've been having so much fun, it's like because we know we're all leaving each other we appreciate every second more than we ever have. i've just felt alive & loved every single fucking second. are there words for this? i love it.

i can't wait for tomorrow.

in my mind i hear all of these voices; in my mind i hear all of these words

2006-08-18T16:36:10Z

i'm leaving for college in a week. i turn eighteen in two days. i'm going to see snakes on a plane in a few hours.

darren & i broke up five days ago. no one cheated on anyone else & there wasn't any screaming or yelling or kicking or anything like that. there were tears & sadness, & i'm still sad, & i still love him, but i think [hope] it was the right thing. maybe we can both be happier now.

i have all these wonderful memories & experiences in my heart & in my head & hopefully someday i can look back at them without wanting to cry. but for now i'll cry & hope [think] everything will be okay. because i don't know another way for everything to be.

& then i shall come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean

2006-08-14T21:31:13Z

"Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.

& he raised his head & looked upon the people, & there fell a stillness upon them. & with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard & steep.
& when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden amon his pinions may wound you.
& when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wing lays waste in the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height & caresses your tenderest brances that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots & shake them in their clinging to the earth...

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace & love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness & pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, & weep, but not all of your tears."

-Kahil Gibran, the Prophet

a day in the life of [insert name here]

2006-08-09T02:21:31Z

i had a busy day today.

i fell asleep at midnight last night & woke up a little before one. i fell asleep again at three thirty. i woke up a little before eight. i went upstairs into my mother's quiet, air conditioned room & tried to go to sleep. the phone rang at nine. it was rew. i was happy it was her & we spoke for awhile.

i decided the universe did not want me to sleep today, so i got up. i spoke with tom. mark came to pick me up at noon & we drove to bantam to go kayaking. there were flowers everywhere & it was very beautiful. a beaver growled at me & we ate peanut butter & jelly sandwiches on a sandbar & a turtle tried to jump into my kayak & i fell out of my kayak & into the water while trying to cross a beaver dam.

damn beavers.

mark bought me a milkshake on the way home & it was YUMMY. when i got home i went inside & my dad was yelling so i helped tommy paint the fence. we painted the fence green & i got paint on my tummy & my toes & my face & my hands & my hair. i also got a pricker in my palm, even though i was not near the pricker bush. mysterious!

i went inside & scrubbed the monstrous green paint from my hands & then took a shower & scrubbed the rest of the paint away & also the pond-scum smell that was from falling in the water. when i was done showering i got dressed & sang along loudly to my very old tenchi muyo! soundtrack that i found. i put on "a different grape" lipstick, which is really a dark reddish purple. i wear lipstick when i'm lonely. otherwise i get it all over people's faces.

then i ate dinner.

my dad started yelling again & then he left & then we left, after saying good-bye. we went to border's & i sat on the floor inbetween the good book smells & i read about lolita because i was looking for the annotated one but i couldn't find it.

i bought a travel journal & then i came home.

now here i am.

i miss you.

kiki703 @ 2006-08-06T23:16:00

2006-08-07T03:20:24Z

i found this picture on my computer & i thought it was sweet.

that's my girl.

the rest of the europe pictures are up, at http://kristopolis.myphotoalbum.com/albums.php

my names get kinda silly in london, & definitely check out the east side gallery picturs. the berlin wall is really something.

peace.